So, I’ve been cheating on you.
Actually, I do it a lot. While Renegade is my primary site, I write in a number of blogs. I write at the studio for Firebrand, and I write my own knitting blog, I write for the Web Conference, and somewhere, hidden in the Tumblr-Posterous-Instagram-Path detritus that is my life, I have a fitness blog. For the longest time, it’s been a collection of half hearted reboots and restarts, only to be left to languish inactive once again between the occasional guilty glance from me. I don’t promote that blog because, quite frankly, it’s kind of painful to acknowledge. I realize I champion transparency and openness, but there are times when transparency can be a little too… transparent. And when the light of day is focused on poor performance and repeated failure, it’s really hard to withstand the glaring judgement of people who are crowded around the windows, peering in at you, silently (if you’re lucky) judging how you look, discounting your value. Discounting you. To me, that blog is a representation of my personal failure.
So I hide that blog.
I think that, for the last ten years especially, the space in my head has been incredibly full of noise and, when there’s so much noise, you find that you must selectively filter. Focus on what you can, what you’re good at, and let the other stuff settle back, forgotten, into the noise. But in the last year, all that noise in my head has slowly dissipated. People have left, jobs have changed, life has slowed down. Now I find, with the noise gone, I’m having a hard time with the silence. Ironic, isn’t it? But without the ambient noise clouding my thoughts, they now take on a life of their own, and I find it almost impossible to ignore that insistent internal voice in my head. The one that points to The Things I don’t want to deal with. Like, you know, my health. (Yes, yes that IS code for weight. How did you know?) So against all that is holy, I dusted off that blog and started blogging once more. Slowly. Haltingly. Random posts when I felt it necessary. Necessary to sort out my thoughts, document the victories, exorcise the setbacks. And slowly, haltingly, there has been progress. Like most things in life, little bits of success begets more success. More success means that the setbacks aren’t quite so devastating. Aren’t quite so painful. And eventually, you find yourself in a new place.
You find yourself in a place of light.
In this particular area, the area we shall call fitness, I think I have discovered my place of light. There’s a lot of running there. And movement. Dare I say it, perhaps even a sense of satisfaction. Definitely peace. It’s a new space for me, and I can’t guarantee that everything will go swimmingly, but I feel much more confident about being in it. Confident enough that I feel I can open up and be transparent about it. I realize this might be working things a bit backwards, but sometimes you just can’t control how you process. Or at least, I can’t. Blame the Muse, since that bitch didn’t tell me we were going to be blogging about this until it was too late. (Awk.ward.)
So now you know.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be slowly adding the posts I’ve published on that other blog here on Renegade. Yes, I could link to the blog itself but, you see, that blog still represents some version of failure for me, and now I’ve changed. I’m in a different space, and I think those posts should be in a different space too.
It’s time to be out in the open.